3 Dont’s On Your Wedding Day

Did that grab your attention? Good! Obviously we could list off probably a dozen different things, but these 3 are the most common, and eat up the biggest chunks of time on your wedding day. Heed my advice, your wedding day is going to fly by! You’ll be getting ready, and then BLINK! You’re saying your vows. BLINK! You’re walking down the aisle, married. BLINK! You’re cutting the cake. Blink! You’re tossing the bouquet/garter. BLINK! It’s over.

Yep… that’s pretty much how fast it can go. Add on additional responsibilities for yourself, and the day goes by much faster. Trust me: delegate, delegate, delegate. For those who like to be in control of everything, say it with me: Delegate, delegate, delegate.

1.) Don’t be a planner

Ok, let me rephrase that: Don’t be your own wedding planner/coordinator. Still plan… planning is good! But on your wedding day, don’t be the one trying to get everything organized, setup, and done. Now, I realize sometimes wedding planners/coordinators can be out of some budgets, but if you can afford to at least hire a day of person, do it! If not, find someone you trust who can take on this massive task. And when I say massive, I mean it.

This is your BIG day! One you may have been dreaming about since you were a child. Even if you’ve planned everything else leading up to the wedding day, have someone take over for you, and run your wedding day. I know it can be difficult sometimes to give up control, especially when it’s such a huge moment, but it needs to be done.

Enjoy your day, instead of running around handling all the little tasks that need to be done. This is one day where the universe shines upon you. People naturally want to help assist you on this day. Let them! The more moments you don’t have to be concerned about the flowers, food, decorations, etc, the more time you’ll have to enjoy your moment. And HUGE added bonus: you’ll actually have time to enjoy each other more too!

The key to success on this tip is spending time with the person who you hired, or who you designated as your go-to-person before the wedding day. Schedule time with them to discuss everything you’ve planned for, want and desire. Give them insight as to what your vision is, and then release them to make it happen.

2.) Don’t be a babysitter

Wow! This is a tough one, but a necessary one. Before I get in to this, you must understand, I have four children of my own, and understand how this can be challenging, but in order for you to get through your wedding day as easy as possible, you’re going to need to do this. Don’t be the one responsible for your child/children on your wedding day. Have a trusted friend, family member, babysitter to be in charge of your kids.

Years ago, when my wife and I were youth pastors, as we were coming up through ‘the ranks’, a pastor friend of ours gave us this great advice. He said “the more control you can give someone else over your children, the more time you can focus on the tasks at hand”. You see, I was being requested to speak at all kinds of events, camps, etc., and my wife was my support. Add in to the mix of children, and it could quickly turn in to chaos before I walked out on to the stage. However, if we had our babysitter with us, she was able to keep them entertained, happy, fed, and focused on other things other than mommy and daddy.

I love my children as much as you love your children, but they can consume quite a bit of our time, time that you should be focused on your wedding day, and preparing for the day’s festivities. Let someone take care of our precious offspring for the day. There will be plenty of opportunities throughout the day for you to spend time with them. Doing this allows you time to enjoy your day, while celebrating with the children around.

3.) Don’t clean up your mess

This one is actually two-fold: don’t be responsible for setup or tear down. Sometimes couples are very fortunate, and can book a venue where they take care of all the necessities, or perhaps you were lucky enough to hire a planner/coordinator. If that’s the case: congratulations on being one of the few who doesn’t have this concern. However, there are tons of couples who do, and this tip is for you.

Picture this: it’s an hour before your wedding, you and your fiancé are running around trying to get decorations up, getting the food set, arranging tables and chairs, plus you still need to go get changed for your ceremony. Oh, and did I mention it’s 95 degrees out? So, now you’re a frazzled, tired, sweaty mess, and you still have to put on a smile, and try to enjoy your day. Then, once your guests has left, it’s late, you’re still tired, and frazzled, and now you have to clean up after 100 guest, whilst still wearing your wedding dress/suit. Sound like fun? Do you think this couple enjoyed their wedding day, or did it become more of a chore, than an amazing moment in life?

Find friends, and family you can depend on, and ask them in the sweetest, most lovely way, if they’ll help take care of setup, and clean up. Make sure they understand your vision for the reception. Make a list of things that need to get done, where things go, and what you want it to look like. Then, most importantly, at the end, make sure they understand what’s to be kept, and what’s to be thrown out. Make a list of what’s trash, what’s donations, and what’s to be returned to the rental company. Lists are good! Lists keep everything organized, and allow everyone who’s volunteering to be on the same page as you.

Easy-peasy, right?

If you can get these three things covered on your wedding day, I know it’s going to be amazing, and you’ll be able to enjoy yourself, and spend the maximum amount of time with your beloved. For other great ideas for your wedding ceremony itself, contact me. Let’s discuss how we can make your ceremony as unique as you!

S.O.S. (Save our seats)

I want to draw attention to a disturbing trend that’s affected weddings over the course of my 11 years of officiating. To some it may not even be noticeable, to others they may simply not know what to do to stop it from happening. No, of course, it’s not detrimental to the wedding ceremony or reception, however it can look terrible in your wedding photos. 

What is this issue? 

Here it is plain and simple: guests sitting all the way in the back rows, and leaving rows, upon rows empty towards the front. 

For whatever reason, quite a few guests feel like they should sit towards the back. Perhaps they have small children, or they have to run to a meeting immediately following the ceremony. Maybe they have a teeny-tiny bladder, and don’t want to make a scene getting up and down constantly. But these guests are few and far between. Most other guests appear to be absolutely fine.

Why is this even an problem? 

It’s not really, in the grand scheme of things. However, most photographers take photos throughout the wedding ceremony, and most of the time, out of respect for the other guests, and the happy couple, they tend to hang out in the back taking said photos. So when you get those photos back, it looks like your wedding was half-empty, with unused chairs or rows showing up in all your ceremony photos. Who wants that?

What can we do?

There are a few different options to keep those guest close to you. But before we get in to the solutions, let’s first discuss why there are so many empty seats.

While it’s every guests intention that they’ll attend your nuptials, life happens, and they simply can’t, or won’t, make it on time. Not everyone who sends in an RSVP will actually be there. It’s a nasty little truth in the wedding industry. Only about 80% will actually be there. So, if you setup seats for 200, expect 40 no shows. If you have rows of 6 chairs each, that’s nearly 7 full rows that won’t be used. 

Now, here’s some easy solutions:

1.) The easiest would be cording off, or blocking off your back rows. I advise the last 3 or 4 rows. It forces everyone to sit closer to the front, and each other. As more people show up, if the last rows are needed, you can simply have your ushers, or someone in the bridal party, remove the cord back one row, and continue on as needed. 

2.) Another option is simply don’t put out all the chairs. You may be taking a chance with this option, as you may be the first couple who has all of their guests who RSVP’d show up for the first time ever. It is a real possibility. In the event that it does happen, have a couple of people on stand by to bring out more chairs. 

3.) The last option would be to have some one make an announcement a few minutes before the start to simply have everyone move closer. I’ve seen DJ’s & photographers do this. It’s not the most ideal, as everyone is settled and comfy in their seats, but it is effective and gets results. 

Does it really matter?

Overall: no, it doesn’t matter. You have far more important things to deal with on your wedding day. But it should be something you consider. 

You pay a lot of money for your venue, and shell out quite a bit more for photos. Don’t you want your ceremony photos to look as fabulous as possible? This is one way to ensure that. Plus, added bonus, it gets all of your friends and family closer to the action, and allows you to feel like they all shared in this incredible moment!

So, on your wedding day, have someone be mindful of your seat!

Vows: What do we do!?!

Just when you thought you had your whole wedding figured out, your officiant asked the most important question you forgot about, “how do you want to do your vows?” My God, as if your plate wasn’t full enough, now you and the love of your life need to sit down and figure out what you want to do when it comes to the most important part of your wedding ceremony (besides, of course, actually being pronounced married - duh). 

So what do you do? What are vows, and why are they so significant? What if you’re too nervous or too emotional? Do you even have to do vows in your ceremony?

Whoa there! Take a deep breath, and I’ll help you understand and give you some pointers. 

Take a deep breath

Now, first things first. I need you to relax and not stress out. When it comes to the actual ceremony, this should be one of the most fun, and loving things you decide on. This is, afterall, your chance to speak from the heart and tell your beloved everything you want to say to them on your BIG day. And yes, you’ll do it in front of everyone! Aaahhh! 

I vow to not freak out

Let’s take a look at what vows are, because there’s lots of definitions, and misconceptions, about vows, and I want you to have a better understanding of why they’re in a wedding ceremony. 

Wedding vows have been around since the time of the Roman Empire. Back then, lower class citizens had their marriages outside of “the church”. These types of marriages were usually arranged, and dealt with property, and what belongs to who now. They would promise each other what they would bring to the relationship, and then a property rights document would be signed. But you’re not a piece of property, so let’s move on. 

Fast forward to the mid-1500’s and we have the first recorded marriage vows from the Church of England. It was those vows, that our modern day “traditional” vow is based off of. Today it talks about being there through good times and bad, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health... sound familiar?

Sidenote: Because I do still occasionally get brides who ask about the word “obey” in traditional vows: In the 11 years I’ve done weddings, I’ve never included that in a traditional vow, and never will. In fact, in 1922 the Episcopal Church voted to have that removed from traditional wedding vows. (See? Again, you’re not a piece of property!)

In present day weddings, couples now have so many more choices, it can make your head spin. Not only do you have the choice between doing traditional vows or writing your own, but within the category of traditional vows, you have a plethora of even more options! We’ll discuss that in a little bit. For now, back to vows as a whole!

Marriage vows today are meant to signify what you and your loved one want to bring to the marriage, and what you’ll strive to do to make your marriage a successful one. They are vows, swearing to one another, that you won’t break them. In other words, they’re promises you intend to keep. Plain and simple. You promise to stick together no matter what. You’re not looking for an easy out. You’re in this together, and will support each other in every endeavor, situation, or circumstance. 

It’s a tradition

Now that we’ve got the history lesson out of the way, let’s discuss the options you have when it comes to vows. 

Like I mentioned earlier, traditional vows have been around for a very long time. When you hear someone say “traditional vows”, all that means is you’re using the standard officiant-says-and-you-repeat method. 

Traditional vows are fairly simple, in regards to what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it. Someone else has already written them out, and you’re now copying whatever your officiant is saying. And don’t worry, most officiants I know (including me) break the vow up in to easy, bite-sized wordings, so you won’t get flustered and forget what to say. 

Now, with traditional vows, there are so many options nowadays, it’s can be overwhelming. For example: when a couple hires me as their wedding officiant, I provide several, helpful resource documents to help them make decisions about their ceremony. One of the documents I provide is a “Traditional Vows” document. In that document I list out 25 variations of traditional vows. Some are longer, some are shorter. Some are more religious, some are more romantic, some are more modern, etc. 

Why do I do this? Because most couples don’t have the time to sift through all the minutia of Pinterest. There’s hundreds, if not thousands of examples online!!

Traditional vows, while not as popular as the other option these days, can be great for couples who just don’t have the time to sit down and write their own vows, or they want something easy, or perhaps they don’t want to get too emotional, or maybe they classify themselves as introverts. 

That’s why there are options, because not every couple is the same. And isn’t it great that you get to choose whichever vow is the most comfortable for you?

I’m more of a touchy-feely kinda person

Now let’s talk about the most popular option that’s out there today - writing your own vows. This is a big step, are you sure this is the route for you both? If so, read on.

The number one thing to keep in mind when writing your own personal statements is this: give yourself enough time and be prepared that you’re going to change your mind about what you want to say at least a hundred times. 

Unless you’re gifted with the talent of waxing on eloquently on paper, this could be a difficult task for you, but don’t let it be. Take a deep breath, and write from the heart. That’s right... write it from deep within your love for one another. Pretty simple, right?

What I tell couples that I’m helping marry is this: write down exactly what you want to say to them on one of the most important days of your life. Pretend you have one shot at telling someone what they mean to you, and how much you’re going to promise to make this marriage work, no matter the cost. 

Now, there are a couple of misconceptions out there about writing vows, and we need to dispel these myths. 

1.) You do not need to memorize your vows. 

I repeat: please, for the love of God, do not try and memorize your vows. It has never worked, it won’t work, and it never will work. You are going to have too much stuff going on the day of your wedding, and the last thing you’re going to need to do is try to remember what you were going to say to one another. 

I know, you just saw the latest Rom-Com, and in the movie they said all these amazing things to each other, while holding hands, and looking deeply in to each other eyes. But that’s not reality. Those are actors, who’ve practiced those lines for weeks. You will be emotional, and forgetful. 

Write them down! I’ve seen everything from vow booklets, to post cards, to phones, to even on the palm of the grooms hand. Just write it down, so you can effectively communicate what it is you want to say to each other. 

2.) Vows do not need to be the same length. 

I realize this is shocking to some, and some officiants may disagree with me, but  let me share why I say this:

In my 11 years of experience, I’ve noticed one big trend, most couples are not the same when it comes writing their feelings down. One person will write about 3 sentences, while the other may write 3 pages. Now, I’m exaggerating a tad, but you get my point. 

I never want to force the 3 sentence person to write more, because it won’t be heartfelt. And I don’t want to force the person who wrote 3 pages to whittle it down to 3 sentences, that’s not fair. 

Write what you’re going to write. Know that it’s going to be amazing, emotional, and loving. Be happy with what you came up with, and move on. Trust me, there won’t be a dry eye in the place!

Writing your own vows can offer you a rather unique opportunity in your ceremony. Think about it - no one in human history will ever say exactly what you say during their wedding ceremony. Guests tend to lean in more when they realize the couple has written their own vows, but make sure you have an extra tissue when you say them!

Nervous Nelly and Norman

For a select few of you, you may be breaking out in hives right now just thinking about having to speak in front of others, and I realize this. So what do we do?

Well, if you think you just can’t do it, no matter how much anxiety medication you take, no matter how many shots you slam before the wedding, you just can’t fathom the idea of saying anything to one another with all eyes on you, there is one other solution. It’s not typical, but it is available. There is the option of bypassing the wedding vows all together. 

Now, in all the years I’ve done this, there has only been a handful that have chosen this option, but it is available to you. The key to remember, and remind others is this: it is not required by law for you to say a wedding vow. It is a part of tradition. 

Meaning this: you can still have a wedding ceremony, sign the license, and be legally married without saying vows. 

This is an option for those in extreme situations where either one or both are so nervous, or introverted, or physically, emotionally, or mentally unable to do it. They just can’t get the words out. 

Believe it or not, there are couples like this. Last year I married a very sweet couple, who had been together since high school. The groom not only suffered deeply from anxiety, but was also on the autism spectrum. The only words he could muster during the ceremony was the “I do” part. We still had a fun, amazing ceremony, but slightly went off the typical route for their wedding. And guess what, no one noticed or cared. The guests were elated to see them get married with or without wedding vows. 

So, if you feel you can’t muster up the strength to say vows, than tell your significant other, and your officiant. We can work around that!

I vow this is the end

Let me say this about vows, in general: no matter which way you decide to go, make sure it’s perfect for the both of you. Don’t decide to go one way over another because your best friend or parents tell you it’ll be better. You and your future spouse need to make this decision together, and you need to be comfortable in that decision. It’s ok to change your mind a million times. 

Remember, this is your wedding! Be confident in your choice, and be relaxed when planning it out. There’s no right or wrong way to do vows. Ultimately, the only thing that matters is that you both know you love each other, no matter what direction you go with vows, that won’t change. Have fun, and if you need additional help, ask your officiant. If you don’t have one, contact me so we can start planning the perfect ceremony for you both. 

Late Guests: Should we wait???

As a professional wedding officiant, I’ve been involved in hundreds of weddings. I have seen almost everything. And in my experience, there’s one thing that shows your guest you care above everything else. It shows them how much you respect them, and their time, and sets the mood just right for the rest of your celebration. What is this magical remedy? It’s starting as close to on-time as possible. 

One thing I appreciate more than anything, is when people show up on time. I get it, life happens, and we can’t control everything. We can’t control a traffic jam, and we can’t stop a flat fire, and we certainly cannot do anything about a newborn having a blowout in their diaper and needing to change the entire outfit. These things happen no matter what day it is, no matter how important an event is - they just happen. And I have been involved in all of these trying to get my family somewhere, on time. 

What we can control is our own event. And yes, your BIG day is important to everyone, and yes, you’re inevitably going to have late arrivals. It’s just part of getting married. 

Now, most weddings starts a little late, and when I say a little late, I mean 10, 15 minutes tops. Everyone expects weddings to start late. From running behind because your hair isn’t perfect, to the groom misplacing his vows, everyone knows it’s a stressful day for you both, and you have a lot going on. This is completely understandable. So your attendees have some grace about the ceremony starting late. But here is one excuse I just don’t understand, and it needs to be addressed.

As I’ve said before, I’ve done tons of weddings, and still don’t quite understand this mentality: when everyone is ready to go, and I mean everyone... the groom is straightened up, the bridal party is locked in, the wedding vendors are waiting for their cues, the guest our on the edge of their seat, and even the bride is primped, and looking fabulous... then why are we waiting for last minute guests to arrive???

I completely understand if a parent is running behind or you’re waiting for your sister, who happens to also be your bestie, or even your great-grandfather Arthur who’s leaving the retirement home for the first time in 5 years just to see you walk down the aisle. These are completely excusable, and no one would dare to question why we’re all just standing around. 

But to wait for your second cousin, or an old college roommate, or the coworker who sits next to you? No, this just cannot happen. Instead of you extending a courtesy towards them and altering your wedding day, let them extend a courtesy to you by profusely apologizing to you for being late and missing the “I do’s”. 

I have seen this way too much, and have started talking to couples when they allow this to happen. 

First, we must realize, things do happen, and some guests who RSVP’d, just aren’t going to make it. That’s an unfortunate part of planning a wedding, knowing some of your guest had every intention of coming, and yet they don’t show. 

Second, some people are just always going to be late. No matter what time an event starts, no matter how many times you send them a reminder, no matter how many times they assure you they will be there on time - they are always late. These people do exist, and chances are you are either related to them, or they are good friends of yours. 

These two types of guests should not be allowed to dictate your ceremony, and wedding day time table. It is what it is, and we move on. If they don’t show, well, you still have 100 other people who did, so party on. If they’re late, than let them grovel and plead for forgiveness for missing your ceremony. 

Here’s the reason why I’m saying this: those 100 other guests... they made sure they were there on time, they love you guys, and are elated to have been invited to your wedding day. Now, give them some respect and love, and make sure the ceremony starts as close to on-time as possible. Don’t make them wait for one person. 

I recently walked up to a couple I was officiating for, trying to figure out why we were still waiting to start. It was already 20 minutes late. They informed me the grooms co-worker wasn’t there yet. I said “Is everyone of utmost importance here? Because you have almost every chair full, and these poor guest have now been waiting for quite awhile. Is this someone you’ve been planning your entire wedding around?” They, of course, said no. “Then lets go get you married!”

And what do you think happened? 10 minutes into the ceremony, she showed up. 

I’m not trying to sound mean, or discount any emotional attachments you may have to certain people, but a good rule of thumb is this: If you’re ready to go, and it’s already 10 minutes past when the ceremony was supposed to start, and your close friends and family are there, then walk down the aisle. 

You and your future spouse are the important people that day, let every one else’s schedules plan around yours. If one or two of your guests miss something, than they miss it. That’s that. This is your wedding day, not theirs. They’ll get over it, and you, your soulmate, and your “on-time” guests will be happier for it. 

I hope this sheds some light for some of you. Now, get down the aisle and marry the love of your life! Cheers!!!